Sunday, 19 February 2017

Am I still ill?

Having a diagnosed 'mental illness' is a just get out of jail free card when acting like an arsehole. You can't accuse someone with bipolar of being a moody sod and ask them to cheer the fuck up, well you can, if you want to die a horrible death.

The thing is, people with a mental illness can't always be an arse simply because of their illness can they? I mean, I'm an arse on a daily basis and always called to account about it, I'm known as "Nasty Nick" in my place of work because I'm opinionated, if only in a tongue in cheek fashion. But what if I had bipolar, would people call me nasty to my face then? Probably not, they'd be too fucking scared for a start, either because I'd call them politically incorrect and ignorant to the effects of mental illness and take them to HR, or that I'd pummel them to within an inch of their life with the nearest blunt object I could lay my "crazy" hands on.

How do you know someone with tourettes isn't just blurting out wanker in your face just because they actually DO think you're a wanker? Should it even be viewed as a mental illness at all, maybe a prick is simply a prick, whatever the excuse.

I was trying to explain to my children the other day about the universe and how it's still expanding. I then asked them what might be outside the universe, my children looked at me for answers and the best I could muster up was "I dunno, I'll have to Google it" (I literally have no wisdom to offer my children, Google might aswell bring them up for me, if only it could tie shoelaces I'd be surplus to paternal requirements). Anyway, upon wearily gazing at my soporific brain replacement machine to find a pearl of said wisdom for my children to feast their curious minds on because daddy's brain doesn't function anymore, I found out that anything beyond the universe is still in fact, the universe, there's no such thing as "nothing", even nothing is something and every something is part of the universe. I'm not sure what this has to do with the mentally ill being dickwads, it was supposed to be the perfect analogy, but it has become an exercise in advertising why you shouldn't drink too excessively in your 20's. I guess what I might have been trying to say is that if you act like an arse, you are an arse, no matter your GP scribbles on your sick note.

There should be a manual to advise the mentally healthy on how to distinguish between "normal" behaviour and mentally ill behaviour, just so we know when we can legitimately punch them in the face without fear of a reprimandal guilt trip, you could call it "an idiots guide to the mentally ill", although the difference between those two subjects is nuance, maybe the mentally ill could have an "idiots guide on how to deal with idiots". It's all about equality these days, you can't be too careful. I mean, it's a well known fact that mentally handicapped people are stronger than people who aren't, what if you get mugged by one of them, are you allowed to defend yourself or retaliate? I know that might sound a tad controversial but it's the same premise. I saw a video on the news recently that had gone viral where an Australian man was criticised for punching a kangaroo in the face after said pouched thug squared up to him like a Newport pisshead. Was the kangaroo chastised and castigated by his own upon his return home, probably not....mainly because they don't have the ability to judge each other and make each other feel bad for sticking up for themselves.

Pretty soon we're going to be overrun by the mentally ill and any animal that can enter into fisticuffs. Recently, a cat stopped me in my tracks on the pavement and turned onto his back, seemingly bidding for a tickled tummy. When I obliged he turned on me and nearly ripped my hand off. The wheels are in motion people, we need to start sticking up for ourselves, the revolution has begun and it's not ISIS or Nazi's this time, it's the underdogs, mongs.....and cats.

I seemed to digress to a weird place there. Whilst I'm still vaguely skirting on the subject of equality gone mad, I thought I'd pick on some other people.

Female football commentators:

I'm sorry, but no. Call me old fashioned, stuck in my ways, chauvinistic, call me a dick for all I care, but listening to a women commentate makes me unable to take the game seriously. They sound like they're impersonating their make counterparts, it's about as natural as a finger up the arse. I keep expecting her to ask someone to explain the offside rule or mention how fit the United goalie is. There's women's football now, go and commentate on that, you've only got a job on MOTD to satisfy the suffragettes that never actually asked for a female commentator quota. Go on, piss off.....you're invading the the last remaining corner of the long lost "man's world". I'm so bitter I'm actually sweating. Why don't we have animals commentating too, I always thought it was unfair that there weren't any giraffe commentators. #giraffeshaverightstoo

Special mentions for those who get too much unnecessary praise in my humble opinion:

Paralympians - Who actually genuinely cares?

Kids who lose and still get a medal - Just stop it.

Working mums - Dad's work too, stop going on about it like you're a superhero, you had the option of 'stay at home mum', you didn't like that and now you're moaning that you have to work instead of being home with your little cherubs.

Child artists - You all suck. Adults only tell you you're drawings are good to spare your feelings and encourage you. Don't get used to it though, in a few years you'll have teachers telling you you're not good enough even though you're trying just as hard as you were when you were wrapped up in cotton wool aged 3 and a half, which is all very confusing.

Anyway, back to my original point. Just so you know I'm not completely out of touch and dead inside, I know mental illness is a serious subject. I actually think I suffer with my mental state to a degree....I get very down, outright depressed sometimes and have trouble controlling my emotions in certain circumstances, but I know when it's happening and I know when I'm wrong. I also have this annoying tendency to apologise when I've said something I shouldn't have, shame on me! Maybe some people don't know when they're being selfish, or aggressive, or moody. Maybe there's no such thing as mental illness?

There are about 3 million different species of frog out there (I've done no research on that figure, but there are alot), most of them look pretty much the same, they just differ enough for scientists to justify their jobs and grants and come up with a new one. Maybe they should start doing that with humans, maybe there are just lots of different types. I'm obviously the type that thinks it's always right with delusions of grandeur. I think we'll call my one 'Dickheadus Maximus'.

You don't need to look too far to discover a new species either, a reliable place to explore is prolific arsehole finder within the "comedy genre" of the alternative world of channel 4, namely The Undatables. It should be called "The Un-how to be a dick and get away with it-ables". Viewers will laugh and cry as these "poor souls" get to grips with trying to find anyone that has given up on life enough to take them on. Why haven't I been on it yet?

If you want to get away with murder or any odius despicable indiscretion...in preparation for being grilled in the dock, just copy the behaviours of these people and you'll get away with it on the basis of diminished responsibility because you're a lost cause and you were merely following your demonic instincts.

There seems to be a "manual" out there to get away with anything, you just need to be diagnosed with an illness first in order to join the club. I'm off to make an application, I mean appointment.....at my local arsehole license dealer, sorry, I mean the GP. See you on the other side you mentally healthy suckers, I'm onto a winner!

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