Saturday, 4 July 2015

Not Marvelling at Ant Man.

Is it just me, or is this new upcoming Marvel film - Ant Man - a practical joke? Is the release date of July 17th the new April 1st? It's not just the title that makes me squirm, the trailer hasn't managed to remove my confused frown either. I mean, take Iron Man. Iron, sure, it's hard and that....although not stronger than steel, steel is made of several metals, one of which is iron, I've just been swotting up. Although I don't suppose they could have stuck up a pie chart illustrating exactly how much of each metal makes up iron to precede the "Man" bit.....Pie Chart Man doesn't actually sound much more ridiculous than Ant Man.

Super, the adjective that preceded Clark Kent's alias man-name, suggests that he's better at certain jobs than the Averageman on the street. Although, "Super" may have been doing him a disservice, understating something can sometimes be a good thing, however, I'm thinking Best-at-everything Man might have turned people against him, nobody likes a big head afterall. No, Super was indeed the correct call....kudos to the great minds who thunk that up, they really did cover every angle.

Just in case you were wondering what my superpower is, it certainly isn't pissing in the direction that my weapon of minimal distraction is aiming at, nope, that "power" deserted me relatively recently. If my left foot ever gets stung by a jellyfish, I'll know what to left foot has gotten golden showered more times than it cares to remember. No, my superpower is being able to instinctively catch stuff that either falls unexpectedly out of cupboards upon opening them, or having dropped something. The amount of times I've caught objects falling from a table that have been knocked off my by little brats, even though I warned them it would happen a zillion times before the event, is uncanny. I'm like Nostradamus and Ross "Unagi" Geller combined into one perfect human being.

Could Reflex Man be next to grace the silver screen on Marvel's behalf? They'd obviously have to write a script to utilise my skill set, I haven't really thought that part through, that's not my job. I'm a Superhero, not a script writer.....jeez. They did it for Liam Neeson's character in all those Taken films, he had a specific skill set, just like me, what's the difference?

It's all a bit convenient really, how the scripts pan out to aid said skill sets. Look at Superman.....factory on fire is it? Fire men run out of water have they (why hasn't there been a superhero called Fire Man?)? No worries, I'll freeze a lake and drop it on the fire!  How did he know it would defrost in time before it hit the ground? If I did that, it's probably stay frozen, squish everyone and I'd get bollocked for not adhering to some health and safety at work act 1974 malarkey, I'd get bollocked regardless....but oh no, Superman got away with it because it was the 70's....he'd be a public hazard in 2015.

I can also levitate a Malteser using only my Superlips and a Superbreath from my Superlungs....I may have over-egged that "party-trick", but I'm sure it could be used at some point of Reflex Man's debut offering.....maybe as an icebreaker to let the audience know that despite his brilliance, he's just like you or I, well I am him, but you know what I mean. The fact I forgot the heroine was moi, just illustrates my modesty, a key feature in Reflex Man's character, a perfect foil for Tony Stark's unbridled arrogance. Or, if the storyline get's too gritty with all that reflexology dialogue, it can be used to lighten things up, at a party I'm throwing for all my inferior friends (like at Jamie Oliver's shindigs), I'll even throw in my 'catching 2p's off my elbow' trick, this is going to be gargantuan.

All my seemingly frivolous talents will eventually prove useful as I embark on destroying my arch nemesis, when you least expect them'll be my trademark. Like when Kitt from Knight Rider would always have this never-used-before and never-to-be-used-again ad-hoc gadget in every episode that would somehow always save the day......or when The A-Team would manage to build the perfect vehicle/weapon to allow them to beat random bad guys in order for Face to get his end away with that week's predictably beautiful distressed damsel......or when Daniel LaRusso's tedious chores delegated by Mr Miyagi were revealed to be the perfect crash course in Goju Ryu Karate-do, before he smashed those big bullies into oblivion and deeply entrenched a sense of hope into my forlorn heart whilst allowing the held back tears of yesteryear to flow down my cheeks with reckless abandon, knowing that one day, everything WILL be ok!

Anyway, Ant Man. How proverbially convenient that his enemy is also the size of an ant and is able to fight him like a Ant Man. Surely it'd have made more sense to stay man-size and just squish him with his size 9's like a real man? Or, he could have tied him up (using a matchstick and a strand of hair) and recreated the famous near-cock splitting laser scene from Goldfinger, where Bond.....James Bond, used his own well-oiled skill set to release himself from the jaws of disaster, but instead of a laser, he uses a magnifying glass and the power of the sun.....evil AND good for the environment.....that laser must have used alot of fossil fuel and was probably made by underpaid, impoverished cantonese sweatshop workers. It was probably designed by Apple too, wankers.

I haven't even bothered to research the storyline of Ant Man. I don't care, either.......I've had a glass of wine during the course of writing this and it's rendered me annoyingly obtuse to such botherings. In fact, wine will be my achilles kryptonite. One bottle of wine on a school night and the city Reflex Man defends becomes a desolate land besieged by a purged society of previously suppressed criminals. Damn you, 13% Pinot Grigio, I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for my pesky dark penchant for getting rat-arsed.

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