Thursday, 23 July 2015

Marriage guidance for the weary.

I'm not even sure why I've titled this blatant thought-shower, 'Marriage Guidance', actually. Does anything I say matter, does it have to be structured for it to have any relevance? What is relevance? I think I know what's making this first paragraph's ipso facto, ergo sum, evidence piece numero uno as to why I'm not married anymore. Nobody likes a rambling tit, I'm putting that on my gravestone......if I ever open up my life insurance account that is, I wouldn't expect my kids to foot the bill. Nope, if I don't leave them any cash, they can just burn me in amongst a pile of old wood chippings out the back, like when Luke cremated his "pop-pop Vader". I wonder if that means Darth Vader never took out life insurance?

Anyway, back to the thread which I haven't actually established yet. Marriage, what's all that about? More to the point.....why is it easier to pull when you're married? Ok, that wasn't cool at all, only a lothario would ask a question like that out loud and nobody could ever accuse me of being one of those. A more diplomatic way of asking said question would be, why can't I be a guilt-free lothario now I'm single, unlike the self-condemnating guilt-edged floral bouquet wielding character that I spent most of my marriage playing? Nope, that's not it either. Here goes, why do "opportunities" come your way more often when you're married? There! Wasn't so hard, was it....?

When you're married, if you're good looking enough, the hurdles you face make the Grand National look like a daddy long legs skipping over grains of salt. Christ, that's the most ridiculous comparison I've ever made, it's almost like I want this to be the worst article ever written. What I'm trying to say, is that If you're not the most aesthetically pleasing face in the vicinity, it's pretty easy to wax lyrical about your oh-so-perfect moral compass when you have a face that Joseph Merrick would have winced at. Nope, if you're ugly, just shut up.....your job is now to thank those lucky stars that someone was sufficiently petrified of dying alone that they settled for waking up next to your rubbery pork mask every day from here on in. You're the luckiest kind.....god, I wish I were a marriagised ugly.

I've pretty much done things the complete opposite of the way I should have. I left my job with absolutely nothing lined up, it all follows suit. "It's easier to find a job when you already have one", they say....hence the speech marks....I've got this writing malarkey down to a tee....or should that be down to a "t"? I'm literally unable to keep to one train of thought anymore. So, it goes without saying that if you're thinking that the grass may be greener elsewhere, then at least do some proper research on whichever lawn you're thinking of fertilising, first.....pun was purely unintentional. I was thinking parodying relationships by eulogising in purely green fingering terminology, in doing so rendering this blog entry less a relationship advice clinic and more an extract of an Alan Titchmarsh autobiography....but nobody needs to see that anymore than they should have to see this.

They always say a clean break is always best, but that only applies to bones. When it comes to romance, you can't afford to be single's the equivalent to the relationship dole queue and the stigma is just as damaging. The longer you remain there, the longer people wonder why you've been stood there so long and before you know it, you start to wonder yourself! Don't worry about me though, I have enough delusional grandeur-juice left in the tank to keep that self doubt at bay for a while yet.

Bringing things back to more rational ponderings....I think I'd make a superb marriage counselor. They say that you learn more from defeat than in victory, although I'd argue that every marriage is technically a defeat by default, it's only a matter of time until this comes to fruition....or whatever the opposite of fruition is. If so, I'm probably as close to an oracle of marriage advice as you could possibly find. If my previous comments seem to suggest bitterness or an aversion to married life in general, nothing could be further from the truth. I love the idea of marriage, how things were.

I think marriage worked when there was a dominant male race. Relationships can't work long term when both parties are constantly jostling for power and hierarchy, just look at what happened to Roy Evans and Gerard Houllier at Liverpool back in the 90's. Even lesbians have a dominant (male) partner, so if an all-female approach to relationships can't solve the mystical equation, nothing will. 

Have modern relationships outgrown the idea of marriage? I think so. I'd suggest that most couples are unhappy with their "arrangement". Whereby married couples used to stay together for fear of being treated like disgraced failures within their families and communities if they parted ways, nowadays they stay together "for the kids". What would your prepubescent-self think of that idea? Not alot, I'd imagine. As much things change in our lives, the goals that we strive for remain constant. Within this seemingly neverending struggle, we forget that our lives should be as important as the lives as the children we create. Whenever we dilute our lives to protect their innocent ones, we dilute life in general. 

If any of my readers would like relationship advice, I'm here 24/7.....that's 24 seconds, at least 7 times a week, boom boom, tschh.

Approved comments:

"Nicholas changed our lives, he brought back the love into our family" - The Smiths family.

"Were it not for Dr. Lo Turco, we'd not have a dinner table, he made it for us, dovetail joints and all, just to bring us all together at meal times" - The Family Fortunes family.

"We owe our lives to that man, what a guy." - My kids.

Disapproved comments that got through the net:

"Nick Lo Turco is a lying cunt". - Most used drop down box.

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