Friday, 29 May 2015

Soul-Destroying Purchases.

Do you have less money than sense? If so, you have my daily quota of sympathy, which is minimal. You're probably living in a world of pain and penny pinching your way to merely breaking even, good times. I'm pretty tight with my quote Ferris Bueller, "if you stuck a lump of coal up my arse, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond". I'm not tight though, I just live to my means.....which basically means I only buy what I alcohol. I'm not sure whether I really need the alcohol, I've convinced myself that without it, I'd end up muttering to myself and wandering the streets in itchy clothes, but I do that anyway.

Unfortunately, when you're skint, it means you end up really resenting having to buy certain things. When I was a kid, I thought that when I got a job, I'd spend all my cash on building my dream scalextric track. I'd clearly not taken into account paying for the roof under which I'd house myself whilst reminiscing about this distant dream. Where did it all go wrong eh? Anyway, here are some of the things that I consider evil purchases that have all but killed my Scalextric building odyssey.


Yes, that old chestnut. Socks. My mum usually buys me enough socks at christmas to last me the year, but since becoming single, I seem to be going through a lot more than usual. I can only recall using two as a wank rag and although they were odd socks - taking two pairs out of the wearable equation - it doesn't account for the many others that have gone missing since christmas, surely? Maybe my porn addiction and denial should be more of an immediate worry than my disappearing socks. It's a quandry.

Toilet roll.

Now, many of you would have been screaming out that I nip my sock debacle in the bud by simply using toilet roll to mop up my crank juice, but asking my mum to buy me toilet roll for christmas may be an odd request too far. I make sure I only poo at work, thus utilising free toiletries and getting paid for the offload in the's one of life's sweetest win-wins. Saving 14.4p per sheet never felt so good, plus you can really pad it out, eradicating any fear of a finger-through-the-paper moment that usually occurs during frugal of life's most dispiriting and unedifying experiences. I've been known to use a colonic irrigation kit if I feel I may not get one in during can't be too careful.

Work clothes.

The only place I ever attend that has a dress-code is my workplace, it's ridiculous. I could perform my administrative tasks equally as atrociously wearing only a bin-liner, but no, I have to dress up to mark the occasion. People who wear uniform get tax rebates to cover the cost of washing it, do I get TK-Maxx vouchers from that lousy government I work for in order to abide by their antiquated regime? No! I look smarter at work than I do anywhere else, just so I can stare at a screen for hours on end, mostly fantasising about a slow painful death. But hey, at least I look good.


Now, I've put these in the same category because I only wear the good stuff when I'm trying to get my leg over. If you ever pull me whilst wearing anything other than my one pair of Calvin Klein's that upon paying for, the cashier nearly tore the money in half such was my reluctance to part with it, you can be assured that I'm not really interested in seeing you again. I don't think anyone has ever seen them actually, they're either off too quick or it's too dark, either way, what a waste of money. I might aswell wear a smart price shitty nappy.


I've never owned my own umbrella, only ever borrowed someone else's.....which I then lose, because they're too much hassle to carry on a night out once you've had a few. Is there anything else you'd purposefully lose, just to lighten the load? They're only ever worth having when it rains anyway, which hardly ever happens does it....or at least that's what I tell myself when doing the mental tug-o-war before deciding I can do without one. Needless to say, I often get wet.....and angry with myself.....for being such a tightwad.


I'll happily park miles away from my destination, solely to avoid paying for the questionable privilege. I'll do so even if I have the kids, before reassuring them that I'm doing them a favour by providing them with much needed cardio-exercise and reliving the glory days when kids used to walk everywhere and think nothing of it. "Stop crying", I'll yell, "you'll thank me for those blisters one day!"......father of the year, ladies and gentleman.

A Pension.

I did used to have one of these, although I'm pretty sure I just cashed my Royal Mail one in, to the cool tune of £214.....I'd only have blown it all on Werthers Originals anyway. I've convinced myself that my liver will probably pack in way before I'd even need to use a pension, that's why I drink excessively, just to prove myself right. I'm going to be so smug when that jaundice kicks in, you pension-paying suckers!

Petrol/Expensive Alcohol in pubs.

Can someone please explain which one of these is the most evil? In the blue corner, we have petrol, which I'm convinced that cars don't need to keep going forward and stuff. I reckon as soon as the needle reaches empty, they're just programmed to switch off, it's such a swindle. Has anyone tasted what comes out of those pumps, it's fucking apple juice, go on.....try some. Then we go in the pub and spend another small fortune to neck what's probably made up of the same stuff, double swindle. I'm currently drinking. Tastes luxuriously cheap, plus I'm with my favourite person in the The booze was in the red corner, just saying. Hic.


My love for film and music is currently on hold due to the clamp down on piracy and the quite frankly ridiculous notion that people should pay for this stuff. See: .......yes, this is a shameless link to an old, albeit awesome, blog entry.

Tap Water.

I can't help but feel a little guilty putting water in here? It's clean and I can drink it without fear of dying, but I still have to pay for the privilege. When they install water pumps in those African villages, the main reason they're so happy is because they haven't been greeted to the Water Bill yet, they think it's free, poor fuckers didn't read the small print did they.

Cleaning products.

I don't even have the gusto for this anymore......please make it stop.

I could go on peeps. I was going to turn this into a 'Buzzfeed' style article, with accompanying pictures, but then I'd have had to include this one to illustrate how it feels to rent. This is my landlords idea of a joke, the other half live eh?! Goodnight plebs.

P.S. I replaced the original picture on the advice of the good, wholesome people of 'Blogger' who felt that being fisted in return for cash was distasteful and inappropriate.

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