Tuesday, 12 May 2015

New wheels John?

During yet another mind-numbing half-eight till five shift (Dolly Parton would never have made it a hit starting at that time, "Flexi-time, what a way to make a living", never would have worked) feeling like the very fabric of my life was being slowly singed away strand by microscopic strand, I began to ponder if it would be a good idea to soften the blow for people who end up earning a living performing laborious administrative tasks by instead, brainwashing them into believing it's fun when they're still stupid little people, or children....as they're more commonly known.

Kids believe any old crap, I should know, I own two of the little suckers myself. We already buy them little make-believe plastic kitchen tops, oven hobs, hoovers, all kinds of utensils and appliances they'll probably grow up to despise.....okay, so it's not worked with housework. Even so, housework is optional, work isn't.....unfortunately, so maybe that's why it falls by the wayside. It didn't help that the feminist brigade made such a big song and dance about it during the housewife years. Seriously give me the choice of being at home on a housework jolly or being stuck in an office with people who generally annoy me.....hmmm, tough one, that! Don't get me on a chauvinist buzz, they're aren't enough hours in the day......thanks to being suck in work!!! Aaaand breathe.

Anyway, why don't we make shitty office jobs seem cool? It's not that hard, my dad once had a job making soap. He came home with a bar of soap in the shape of a mouse once, honestly, I thought he had the coolest job in the world......I'm guessing it wasn't. Unless he got to test soap on glamour models to check they administered just the right amount of froth? That probably was a job once, before the feminist brigade got involved.....dammit Nick, forget about the feminists!

Sorry you all had to see that. So, what I had in mind, are office based games for the little schmucks. 'Greed is Good', by MB Games? Although judging my how spoilt this next generation already are, they'd probably think Gordon Gekko was a frugal, penny watching pussy. How about venturing into the videogames market? 'Grand Administration Auto - Payroll City' has a certain ring to it, no? Maybe even create an office-based Superhero? Screw Clark Kent, he leaves the office......we want a hero who never clocks out, 'Data Input Man'?! It's a done deal.

All I'm saying, is let's try and change the thread a little. Rather than make people dare-to-dream, how about asking them to digress from their dreams into mediocrity. Not everyone can fulfill their childhood ambitions, otherwise we'd be infested with astronauts, princesses and football players with one mightily busy, woefully unambitious, deranged window licking janitor cleaning up after them all, it'd be chaos. The world is already over-qualified as it is and there are too many smug, skilled people overflowing out of saturated industries, stealing crappy "dying wage" jobs from unmotivated procrastinating misfits such as myself....bastards. See, that's what happens when you encourage people to better themselves.

I'm actually thinking that this rotten, lying bunch of scummy tories got it right for once by sticking up tuition fees. How many people do you know who got their degree, only to find themselves on the scrapheap, doing something completely unrelated and beneath the subject they'd studied years for, getting themselves into debt in the meantime. Not that they'll ever have to pay it off, you have get yourself on a decent wage in order to trigger the repayments, it's actually a lose-lose!

Ok, it's a controversial angle to take, but it makes sense doesn't it? Prospective students should at least be allocated and pointed in the direction where there might be job prospects upon graduating. I'm sure there are "think tanks" already whirring away for this kind of thing, analysing the industries for what staff are going to be needed where at a certain point in time depending on market growth, it just doesn't seem like it. There's a surplus amount of female teachers and not enough male teachers, point people towards it from a younger age and brainwash us to a more cost-efficient and secure jobs market.

As boring and unlike me as all this sounds, I spent hours as a kid playing a game called 'New Wheels John?' on my ZX Spectrum. You had to wait about ten years for it to load before being rewarded with a game where you played the part of a car salesman, buying and selling cars, trying to make a profit. To put it into horrifying perspective, you never actually saw any of these cars, they were described to you, in text. I know, I had quite the childhood. Do you know what? I played that game, during my formative years....and I ended up doing something equally as boring for a living, looking at spreadsheets, never really knowing what I'm doing.  Christ! Either this is a self-fulfilling prophecy or I was actually sucked into the game? Maybe the game got sucked into me? Why couldn't I have been sucked into 'Samantha Fox's Strip Poker'? Oh yeah, because I could never get it to load without crashing! I need a bloody lie down.......get the kettle on John, we've got some motors to flog!

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