Sunday, 31 May 2015

Is it 'Goodnight Zurich' for Sepp Blatter?

Many moons ago, I would wake up on the morning of the FA Cup final almost as excited as a fan whose team was involved, but yesterday felt like just any other Saturday. It's a sad demise of what used to be a religious affair for me personally, not just cup final day, but following football in general. Part of the reason for my disenfranchisement with the game has been the fact I now have kids. I never thought I would find anything that came close to my love of football, but when my daughter came along, she not only kicked that belief in the goolies, but transformed my life and my priorities to such a degree that football suddenly seemed irrelevant and completely pointless.

Something similar happened in 1993 when my cousin was killed in an a car accident the week leading up to the Ryder Cup, I had literally been obsessed, besotted even, with golf for over two years, suddenly it didn't seem important at all, I just gave it up on the spot, dropped it like it was a bad habit, when it fact it had been the dominant feature in my pointless little existence. With my son coming along not long after my daughter, sport has taken an ever-increasing back-seat....in fact, it's not even in the back seat anymore, it's sat the boot, like a disgruntled wet dog on the way home from the park.

After last week's hardly surprising news that FIFA is a deeply corrupt organisation, football has been relegated to hanging by its fingernails from my rear bumper......I don't know why I'm keeping on with these metaphorical passenger analogies, it's almost like I'm not really in control of my words anymore, language just feels like one giant cliched puzzle, whichever way you fit the pieces, it's all been said before a thousand times in a hundred different languages, I often wonder why I participate now dismantled the entire deceptive facade.

Anyway, before I write myself out of another hobby, I'll get back to my point....I'm pretty sure there was one. Oh yes, Sepp Blatter. If that man doesn't resign within the next few weeks then football will cease to be hanging from my metaphorical  and I'll never want to go back to it. He's overseen the death of football as we knew it and has the gall to stand in front of the world's press and pretend he knew nothing of corruption within the corporation that he's been in charge of for nearly 20 years, it's laughable. 

Sepp Blatter's a bigger fraud than Santa, he might even be Santa....have you even seen them in the same room together? No, so it can't be ruled out. Maybe after doing all that good on the 25th of December, he spends the rest of the year evening it all out by trying to dismantle the world's favourite game. Maybe he's Santa's evil twin, jolted by his more illustrious siblings generosity, goodwill and unwavering dedication to making people happy and granting wishes. He couldn't take living in his rotund shadow and made a vow to infiltrate and destroy the biggest thing besides christmas....football. He's actually done a pretty good job, managing to make the idea of Saint Nick no less credible than the moral integrity of football's own ruling body. He might aswell do carry out his press conferences with his back to us, with only his arms and the top of his head visible outside of his huge leather chair, spouting off his lunacy whilst stroking the top of Michel Platini's head. Look, I've gone to the trouble of mocking that image up....like the consummate professional saddo that I am.

This may seem a little far fetched, but I'm known for taking the less-than-sublime to the ridiculous, so why change the habit of a lifetime? I once made a similarly misguided comparison regarding a landlord of an old local pub I used to frequent, you know, before it wasn't local enough to be my local anymore. I made the accusation that he and his wife were the same person and she was just a paper mache model made up to complete the illusion....it turned out that it wasn't true and to compound my misery, I was barred......indefinitely. It's time Blatter was given the same treatment.

If he does go, it'll be the biggest ousting of a despot since Colonel Gaddafi, maybe we should be careful what we wish for? Look what happened when his and Saddam's regimes were toppled, we all thought it was going to be a pinata full of sweet beginnings but as it turned out, that pinata was a hornet's bloody nest. Anyway, I can see Sepp taking his flabby old body on the run from the FBI, only to be found hiding in a manhole somewhere in Zurich, surviving on a complimentary bag of Toblerones and a bottle of Arctic Velvet. We'll worry about turncoat Platini and his militia firing bullets into the sky at a later date, that'll be a different battle altogether.








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