Saturday, 9 May 2015

A two part-story, drunk v's sober.....will there be nuance?


I'm struggling to think of what was the damp squib of the week. In the red corner, we have the bout that had millions talking for months on end during the proverbially over-hyped build up. Spin-doctors were employed to ensure that the people who weren't talking about it, suddenly wanted to talk about it. Good v's v's rich-ish.......and that was just Mayweather versus Pacquiao. As for the blue corner, well, we all know who that bloody represents. The tories made sure that the much anticipated election became as one-sided as the "fight of the century" that preceded it.

The rest of the election's public tete-a-tete delivered all of the above, and more.....but ultimately provided a similarly familiar underwhelming yet convincing ending that had us all a little disheartened with the outcome (unless you're a tory of course). In both cases, you could argue that whilst both Mayweather and Cameron were unpopular, they both won because whilst being boringly efficient, they were both the most convincing.

So, is that all it takes to succeed these days, to be convincing? If so, we're all in trouble.....unless you're convincing at being good at something, obviously. I'm only convincing about being unconvincing, I'm not sure where that puts me. When I was growing up, it was all about Hagler v Hearns, Benn v Eubank........Thatcher v's......erm, the population of Great Britain, including parliament. What happened to those heroes? Before I drink myself into oblivion and whack on Bonnie Tyler, I need to make my point....not that I've even thought my point through as yet, how pathetically efficient would that be?

No! What I want, are mavericks. People who do what they do because it's born out of an impulsive need and quench for justice, fame and glory. I'm cutting this short.....the bourbon is talking, this ain't me! TBC.

Update.....24 minutes later: I've just been weeing whilst simultaneously having some quality thinking time and I was wondering if I should continue writing and pretend to be sober in order to give myself the whole sunday a snooker player who wins his match with a session to spare, whilst giving him more time to rest may actually backfire in the form of having too much downtime resulting in lack of match sharpness. Yeah, that's where I'm at.....talking less sense than usual....didn't think that was possible, did you!


Morning! Where was I? Oh yeah......heroes. Were there ever any heroes, or did we just live in a world full of half baked minions with just a few rough diamonds scattered in amongst them? Talking of nuance, it seems to me that that's where we are in life. We're fed so much of the same information on a daily basis that nobody really stands out. The only way to make it to the top is to be slightly more efficient and robust than the person next to you, which isn't a conducive environment for impulsive, creative genius' know, me.....clearly still a little drunk.

The main winner from the last few weeks has been the hype machine. In a world dominated by the mundane, any event that comes along to lift is out of our petty routines arouses the senses and invites us into the realms of the ridiculous. It's this machine that convinced me to part ways with 20 living wage pounds (which means 20 quid's worth of living that I'll never get back, whatever that means) to watch a fight, from my own sofa. It also sneakily managed to programme me to walk into a polling station and vote, the fact that I had requested a postal vote, lost it and therefore rendered me unable to participate is another matter, they'd not accounted for my idiocy.......for once, it worked in my favour.

The losers had their usual excuses at the ready. 'Manny' had a bad shoulder, which frankly, should automatically mean that he forfeits his "winnings" in order to refund myself and everyone else who paid to sit through the entire turgid contest. Labour on the other hand, had chosen the wrong brother.....although I fail to see the logic in this, they could have chosen anyone and still lost. It seems that people haven't forgotten the casually hand-written note they'd left behind stating that we were skint, it was a particularly undignified, unedifying way to leave office, akin to having a dump in the jacuzzi as you get out. It perfectly illustrated the kind of people who run our country.

It's because of that, that David Cameron has become the luckiest leader for generations. Right place, right time. Like Floyd Mayweather, he took advantage of a bad situation to make himself look good. You can't argue that they both won, fair and square and they certainly aren't bothered how they win, as long as they do.....but that's where the overriding feeling of underwhelment comes from.

"Are you not entertained?", cried Maximus....AKA Gladiator.....from 'Gladiator', the movie.....not the legendary ITV gameshow. Well, no, I was not entertained in the slightest thank you very much. I'd have paid double the boxing fee to have watched a 'Gladiators Election Special', culminating in both Cameron and Miliband fighting their way up the legendary widow making "Travelator" to reach the rope and swing through a sheet of paper reading "NEW PM, CONGRATURATIONS, YOU SUCSESS!" much better would that have been than sitting through the "Alternative Election Night" with Jeremy Paxman trying to be funny and looking like a glaringly out of his depth, inadequate last minute replacement for Charlie Brooker, it just didn't work.

So what does it all mean? For me, it's highlighted the death of the inspiring individual and the rise of team-bullshit conquering all before it, all the doom and gloom is merely a sideshow.  We do need a hero, a hero 'til the morning light. He's got to be sure, soon and absolutely must be larger than life. If he's strong, fast and fresh from a fight, then that'd be a bonus, feel free to apply within.....any potential shoulder injuries must be declared during the application process.

Until then, catastrophes of biblical proportions await us. Fire and brimstone will come down from the skies, rivers and seas will boil. Forty years of darkness will occur, earthquakes, volcanoes erupting, Jimmy Savile will rise from his grave, humans will be sacrificed, dogs and cats will live together, it'll be mass hysteria!

Rodney Marsh, Prince Naseem, Nigella, Boris Johnson, Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards, Maradona, Dick Fosbury, Neil Kinnock, Roy of the Rovers, Wreck It Ralph, Jimmy White, Olaf the snowman, the Jamaican bobsleigh team, The Mighty Ducks, the all-conquering 1990 Albany Primary baseball team, Ghostbusters..........Nicholas Mario Lo Turco, YOU BOYS TOOK ONE HELL OF A BEATING!


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