Thursday, 14 May 2015

A dystopian galaxy, not so far, far away.

Remember when you were a kid and watched 'Robocop' for the first time? Remember the horror you felt but also feeling safe in the knowledge that "Nooooo, that could never happen", a vision of such dystopian, distasteful misery could never become a reality, not in my lifetime at least, could it? Well, if you're too young for Robocop, and the chances are that if you're reading probably are, due to blogging being such a youthful scene, then don't worry, you don't need to watch it, you're in it!

By chance, I flicked over to Channel 4 a few minutes ago and stumbled upon 'The Secret World of Tinder'. Now, before you pigeon hole me into the 'square' category, I'm not about to chastise the online dating scene, nope.....because I'm part of it. When I started online dating 3 years ago, there was still a stigma attached to almost felt embarrassed to admit to it. Since then, it's become a phenomenon of biblically unedifying proportions. 

I watched some of Robocop the other night, I came across it almost as randomly as this programme. Honestly, the Syfi channel had cut so much violence and gore that it is was actually edited into a shorter film than the trailer for the original film itself. That's exactly how this online-dating documentary feels.....we have the usual jack-the-lad, girls feeling threatened, people not being who they said they were tales. I can't help but feel they would have been better off just dedicating the entire programme to my experience.

Now, far be it for me to be melodramatic, but when it comes to online dating, I'm like a Vietnam "vet". Actually no, that sounds too cool....I'm more like a recovering crack addict.....still too cool? Ok, what if I told you I talk to my testicles and I have no friends? Ok, only half of that was true. Anyway, that app has taken months away from my life that I'll never get back and added years to my aesthetic that can't be reversed, it's as bad for your health as smoking. They should have used this programme to put people off, it should have been a public information video, but instead of "oh shit, Johnny's thrown his frisbee into the substation again"......Johnny could have been crying into his iphone crying about how he'd been bailed on by Tina_licious69, how could she?!

I'm sure it was terrifying for that girl, running into the woods as Heres_Johnny_SpunkMachine chases you down to your certain death, but at least it was private. I however, had someone throw up at the table due to a nut-allergy in front of a live public-house audience, that's what I call horrifying. But do you see me on C4 lapping up the attention, no. Me? I just carry on, heroically wading through the uncompromising, ever-increasing deluge of discouraging, shit-storming, morale crushing monotony that online dating has become.....I'm almost numb to it.

I'm sat here trying to think of a fitting, poignant analogy from a film where a goodie turns into a *baddie because of the awfulness the world has subjected him to....the awful world being online dating, the goodie come baddie being me, obviously. But I can't, because a) it's really late b) I think alzheimer's is setting in and 3) because I don't have to anymore, you get the point. I even went from alphabetizing my bullet points to numerically ramming them down your throat, you know, just to illustrate my random crazy power.....nobody will be reading this far anyway, I can say what I like at this point.

Image result for robocop dystopianSo if anyone watched that crap tonight, please do yourselves a favour and uninstall that app of evil, it's too late for me, I'm addicted, institutionalised.....lost. Do you want to be part of the dystopian current? Or do you want to fight back against this digital, puerile, reductive illness that's sweeping the nation? Don't end up like me kids, save your love and attention for real people, not the ones who hide behind their keyboards, they'll rarely be the people they make themselves out to be. 

Do you want to be witness to a nut-allergy reaction? Do you want a huge red wine stain in the middle of your bedroom floor? Do you want to end up in an Asda chemist on a sunday morning with a virtual stranger ensuring she takes the morning after pill? Do you want to lose your moral compass? Do you want to feel as dirty minded as that "I'D BUY THAT FOR THE DOLLAR?!!!" fella. Do you need a Men In Black 'neurolyser' memory erasing tool to make the pain go away? Do you want to uninstall that app now? Do you?!!!! Yes, I think you should too.

See......the thing is, you're not ready for all this. None of us are......just like we weren't ready for 'The Crystal Maze', or 'Manimal'. Sometimes, it's best to just cut ties with the things that scare us, no matter how attractive or exciting they may seem at the time. Be good to yourselves.....and each other.

* DARTH VADER! I could have gone with Darth Vader......nah, too obvious. Plus, the dark side has nothing on Tinder. By the way, I named my testicles 'cuff' and 'link'.....after Rocky's turtles, god I love that movie. Imagine Rocky's initial message to Adrian on Tinder, "Yo Adrian, it's me, Rocky, wanna go to the zoo?". Now, you'd be lucky to get a simple "Hello" from a a virtual admirer, before being invited to have your back doors smashed in.

Goodbye romance, hello metaphorically malfunctioning dating concept 'ED-209' and an office full of lead-filled corporate torsos. That's not the future peeps, that's now! Dead or Alive, you're fucked - to coin a modern phrase - probably right in the pussy.

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