Saturday, 18 April 2015

Welcome to The Piracy Zone.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to admit you've sourced music via illegal means on a public blog, but I'm gonna. We've all done it anyway, haven't we? I bet even the people who do the shopping have done some robbing in their time. I'm going by the rule of "smelt it, dealt it......rhymed it, crimed it" law-school of thinking here......if someone points their finger at you, just point yours back and all will be good in your world, equilibrium will be restored, move on. I think it's time I grew up.

Which, is exactly what I very nearly did today......the unthinkable.....I very nearly went in an actual shop and bought some music. The thing is, it's been so long since I've done so, I was physically unable to do it, my body wouldn't allow myself itself the store. Just like food always tastes better when someone else has cooked it for you (unless said meal had been cooked by my ex mother-in-law, in which case, that rule can be well and truly dismissed), I find music doesn't sound as good if you've paid for it. I mean, it's free on the radio, you just don't know when something you like might will come on, if at all. I mean, I'll buy food, because I have to.....nobody is going to randomly ram a fork-full of food in my gob........I'll buy booze too, it doesn't rain alcohol, how cool would that be though?.  "So, this afternoon, we'll have sunshine interspersed with occasional vodka showers, followed by torrential Jack Daniels downpours as we head into the evening". Open wide!

However, I can get general music for free at all times and can always get specific by using YouTube. So why should I buy it? I've been institutionalised by piracy and it's going to be hard to get back into the habit of buying music. What bothers me, is that most of it is utter shit "these days" and most of the music I'm ever going to enjoy is already in my mp3 collection. "So what are you fucking moaning about?"....I hear you ask. Well, you do realise that when you buy music, you're lining the pockets of already rich "musicians", yeah? Fine with that are you? Well, for the record, I'm bloody not!

I've heard loads of established, loaded artists whining about how piracy is killing music etc.....no it's not, your shit music is! The only thing piracy could potentially kill, is their earnings. The latest cull on piracy means that poor old previously impoverished out of touch arseholes like Elton John might make up a few lost places on planet Forbes. Simon Cowell is a far more destructive force on modern music than piracy, why aren't we shutting down his horrendous television franchises.

If music was distributed freely, it'd mean far more exposure for good music and people might actually turn their beleaguered attention back to it. If you're talented, you could still make a very good living from touring alone, there's no need to be a greedy bastard about it, you'd just have to be more careful with your money and not spunk it on mansions and drugs.....just imagine if this model had been around back in the 60's, maybe some of them might have lived past 27 with a bit of wallet restraint? 

We could have our charts back, sponsored by The Pirate Bay, it'd be a proper revolution. Imagine how other industries could be brought back in line with more realistic earning potential. Who the hell decided that if you're born with a good singing voice, you should get a free ticket from the Community Chest pile to collect £200m a year whilst passing "GO" and go straight to the "Austerity-free zone"......for those of you who don't know, said zone is going to be part of the all-new, revamped 'Celebrity Crystal Maze', alongside the "Paedophile Zone" where convicted celebrity paedo's are used as extras, painstakingly choreographed to perform like those mutants from Duran Duran's Wild Boys video whilst new presenter Russell Brand uses his own brand (no pun intended) of vivacious humour and idiosyncrasies not witnessed since national treasure Richard O'Brien left our screens, ushers z-list celebs through their quest for mystic crystals. The winning team could gain immunity from having their music listed on The Pirate Bay and gain access to the hallowed halls of non-free music, although quite what the result would be, I don't know.....that's as much thought as I'm prepared to give this, I'm not getting paid for these guruisms you know, I do this shit for free......this is what I do, I'm freelance.....emphasis on the free.

Anyway, the same could be said about the ostentatious world of cinema. How many actors have you heard saying the same about the film industry with regards to piracy, yet they're hardly living in squalor are they? If actors actually gave a stuff about their fans, they'd be speaking out about characterless, vastly overpriced cinema's where even at half the price, you'd still feel like you were being robbed. They'd be lobbying for value for money, giving something back....but they're not. Shouldn't THAT be the actual storyline? But no, we're far too obsessed with sucking off celebrity culture and way too quick to give in and make ourselves feel guilty. Not me though, no celebrity sucking off going on here, not much fornication going on at all, actually. Probably explains my idiotic rambles on here. 

It cost me £37 to watch a kids film in Cineworld last week, 2 kids and 2 adults.....why is it more expensive for adults to go in? My seats were the same size as theirs, why can't they go in for free if they sit on my lap? Why is a burst popcorn kernel so bloody expensive? Do they train dogs to sniff them out like truffles? At least I can use my 3D glasses again, if I pay another £30+ to watch another film, wow, Cineworld, you're really spoiling me. At that price, I should be allowed to smack a noisy child in the gob, without fear of reprimand.....or at least flick popcorn in his eye.....nah, it's too expensive to waste.

So how about we fight back and reclaim our rights to piracy, not that it was ever our right, but you know what I mean. The games industry was plagued with piracy back in the 80's.....did it collapse? Absolutely not, it positively thrived and became rather successful....you might have noticed? It became such a monolithic edifice of prosperity, it's actually surpassed both film and music industries. 

Piracy is sharing.....and I was always told it's good to share, obviously a notion not top of the wealthy persons agenda. 


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