Sunday, 15 March 2015

F1 Blog.

Man alive.

I've purposefully chosen the most boring title I could possibly thing of. In fact, I put no thought into it at all......if I had put thought into it then surely it'd have been ruining the notion of the idea of dullness. I don't have to think about being dull, it's a pretty natural process for me, so, YAY!

I've got to be honest (it's what I do, afterall), sport bores me right now. In fact, life is boring me......maybe the more I write about life, the more it brings the sheer monotony to the forefront of my mind. My disinterest in sport is particularly alarming. A few years ago, I started blogging and I chose to write about sport.....they say to write about what you know, so I did. What I learned, was that sport was changing.....and I didn't want to follow it's route.

I'm genuinely sighing as I write this....I mean, I LOVED sport. It's why a failed my GCSE's so's why I didn't lose my virginity until most of my mates were halfway through the Karma Sutra (that's a lie, nobody cares about Karma Sutra anymore do they? Missionary only, right?)'s why I only know missionary as a love making position. Sport, I gave you everything, and you decided it was all about the money afterall.

To be honest, I'm not going down that road. It can't be all the fault of the exchequer, can it? Specifically talking about motor racing, it's always been about money. The outcome of an F1 Championship generally follows the same principle rules of a US Presidential Election race......the team with the most money, wins. Or in F1's case, the team with the best car, matter who's driving it. What used to be the saving grace of Formula 1, was danger and unpredictability. It may seem a strange thing to say, but making the sport safer, has essentially ruined it as a spectacle.

What we're left with is a similar story that snooker faces. Whilst Snooker and Formula 1 may appear to be on completely opposing sides of the sporting spectrum, they both suffer from the shadows of perceived halcyonic days past. Both sports were heavily dependant on tobacconist and alcoholic sponsors.....this has an unbelievably glamorous effect on the sports and gave them an almost rock and roll backdrop. The drivers taking part at the time became synonymous with this and therefore gained almost godlike status within our minds, thanks to the logo's that we felt socially aligned to and along with the danger they were in, made us feel closer to the drivers as a result.

In 2015, the sponsors are far removed from social incline. The drivers look pristine, inexhaustibly fit, implausibly safe. Top drivers can earn wages that even the most maligned mercenary footballer could only dream of. All the while, the profession that earned high earner status through the rigour and danger that was once par for the course, is becoming safer by the season. Last seasons horrific incident, involving Jules Bianchi; whilst being horrific for him, his team and his family, was just a freak anomaly to the rule. The fact is, F1 is too safe and as a result, it's lost it's relevance.

This allows the drivers to just become playboys of motor racing.....the epitome of easy money. Yes, they're fit, yes, they're highly skilled at what they do, but do they hold the bravery of their predecessors? No chance. If you want to watch proper F1, you'll have to dig through the archives of YouTube as it's never going to get any better. The cars have become as user-friendly as an iPad, even the steering wheel has evolved into a Playstation Dual Shock controller with a Nintendo Wii steering wheel adapter wrapped around it. Listening to David Coulthard et all repeat their predictably predictable predictions was as predictable predictable as it was last year. Once you've got your head around all the proverbially needless rule changes, you quickly come to the realisation that you're about to be dragged into spectator trap that is the necessity to revisit tired old ground, in the hope that it will be better this time around.

Yes, there have been thrilling aspects to championships in recent years, and they all seem to revolve around Lewis Hamilton. But, aside from that, are they really convincing me that ANY overtaking maneuver is a pound for pound pure moment of skill and not just as a consequence of one driver temporarily driving a quicker car than the other one at that specific moment in the race? I genuinely think that Scalextric is the real deal and that F1 is merely trying to re-enact the excitement from said slottery. The only aspects of F1 that are superior to Scalextric are that it's slightly more reliable and the plastic grid-girls aren't anywhere near as glamorous. Scalextric politics were far more apoplectic than modern F1....there's no comparison as far as I'm concerned.

The only saving grace of the opening weekend in Melbourne was Jenson Button's moustache, which, quite frankly, belongs on the face of a squadron leader from WW1. The fact that it wasn't even mentioned, shows just how untouchable they are. I can only think that Jenson was attempting a Nigel Mansell 'tache to cap off his career, unfortunately he's fallen well short. This theme of not making the grade continued, it seemed that nearly everyone bar Mercedes are just there to make up the numbers (which didn't amount to much, given the sparsity of the cars on track), all in transitional phases looking to develop for NEXT season! So there we have it, it's a one-team championship, it has been for the majority of F1 history. The only thing we're missing is the danger, the style, genuine characters, Murray Walker and next to any chance of something different of anything different happening for once. At least we get to worry about the effect it might all be having on the environment, that couldn't possibly ruin the spectacle, could it?

So, whilst you're busy fawning over Lewis' Mr T chain or another boringly supposedly ambiguous response from the overly-popular tosspot that is Kimi Raikonnen (is it really cool to be a twat?).....or watch Eddie Jordan try and find new ways of living up to being F1's 'Mr Eccentric' (if you've got to try, it ruins the concept, Eddie...just saying), listening to the same ex-drivers talk about how they would have done it, even though they never would have because they weren't even good enough in their day....just have a quick wonder whether you'll soon be able to distinguish this new season from any of the last 50. It's becoming the elitist sport to end all elitist sport......or at least, one can hope.

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