Sunday, 22 March 2015

A Good Heart.

Your first single. It used to be a landmark event, a moment in time and a song that you'd treasure.....or harbour at least, for the rest of your life. Now, I'm coming from a time when vinyl's were used en masse and it's nearest rival for data storage was the cassette tape. Now, vinyl's are hip and nostalgically trendy, probably bought by bearded hipster twenty-somethings who weren't even born when vinyl was a contemporary output medium. Such is the ease of acquiring a single now, I'd be surprised if the purchase even registers in the users head as anything other than just another download  Added to the fact that the physical element of holding it in your actual hands has been neutered out, it's hardly the most memorable experience anymore.

I think nostalgia is one of the only subjects I where feel adequately engaged and clued up upon to feel legitimately snobby about it. I feel like the Godfather of retro and that anybody else's opinion is either nonsense or has been swayed by popular culture. I'd love to be more active in the retro gaming community but I just know they'd all do my tits in with there snotty know-all remarks (no hypocrisy to be seen here, move along). For instance, I've been wearing a calculator watch for at least 8 years. It's the same calculator watch worn by Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2 and 3. More importantly, I had the same watch when I was in Primary school. I have a deep connection with this watch and unless you have a deep connection with vinyl, I don't think you should be allowed to buy any, although how you police this is a completely different matter. I think a good place to start is to ban anyone who looks like they may be a hipster from purchasing them. I know this makes me come across as quite the revolutionary modern day Hitler, but if my lasting legacy is to stop vinyl getting into the hands of narcissistic, deluded idiots who swear by a cultural backdrop, an era that never existed and have no grasp on the irony that in trying to stand out from the crowd, they're becoming part of the crowd, then I'm happy to stand by my decision and be judged by all and sundry. 

So anyway, I listened to it this morning and began to ponder (as I have many times before, therefore I was resuming an already open pondering) how these early brushes with music affect your idea's of life; and considering most songs are about love or relationships, how they might indoctrine you on the subject of all that love shit. The subject is covered in the film '500 Days of Summer' and after a promising start, it quickly descends into a nightmare for someone like me, who developed an idealistic view on love from a very early age. The end of the film demonstrating that he'd learnt nothing from having his heart broken and was about to rush head first into another shoddy and hastily made decision, pretty much sums me up. Whilst I tell myself I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm convinced I just tell myself that as some form of damage limitation! As if I'm lulling myself into believing that being wet behind the ears is the best way to be.....

My first single was 'A Good Heart', by Feargal Sharkey. In a decade of one-hit-wonders, this ranks as one-hit-wonderish as it gets. I still listen to the song occasionally, not just for a pure nostalgia trip, but to gauge how far my ideals of love - born out of this very track - have fallen. The song told me that a good heart would be hard to find, instilling the notion that 99% of people are complete arseholes, this notion would prove to be correct. Secondly, anything is better than being alone? To anyone I've ever been needy towards, the blame rests firmly with Fergal on that one, I'm no longer accepting any responsibility for this unflattering, unhealthy, unattractive, unedyfying, pretty much un-everythinging trait I've picked up. I think I played that record at least 65 times on my state of the art Fisher Price record player until the batteries mysteriously fell out and went "missing". Those batteries were HUGE, which only fuelled the conspiracy theory flames as to how they could simply disappear.....actually, I'm not sure if the art of conspiracy and indeed, theories, had been invented at that stage. Life was so much simpler then, you know, before we had our own opinions and that. Anyway, these are just the snidey tricks of the parental trade that I will use in due course with my kids. My daughter already has a One Direction cushion (all the best bands have their own cushions) and the download requests are sure to follow.

I did actually receive TWO first singles on that momentous 1985 christmas morning. The second was Nikita. I obviously didn't know Elton John was gay, or if I did, it certainly didn't register as a fault or a misdemeanor as I mildly do now. I'm not homophobic by the way, I just mean as much as the gay community have come a long way, the way they're portrayed in the media is as if they're still different from the rest of us. There's an undertone of mistrust and a seed has already been planted which is hard to weed out somehow. It's similar to how I don't consider myself racist but the media like to say "the N-word", the listener will more often than not convert that into thinking the actual word rather than the letter N. We're still defined and segregated because certain sections of media, society and those in power, like to keep it that way and make sure you're subconscious sufficiently keeps hold of the hate your ancestors went along with so it doesn't cease to exist, whilst handily remaining stealthily in the background so as not to ruin the new glossy equality for all idealist world that has been created for us. Governments rely on manageable levels of hate and fear to keep us all at bay, it makes perfect sense really. They're experts at deflecting any kind of meaningful arbitration and scrutiny. I'm pretty sure they act like corrupt out of touch buffoons on purpose, so that all we focus on is their corrupt, out of touch buffoonery. Nobody ever asks why there aren't any black MP's. Most industries are forced to show their business is diverse by employing staff from a variety of ethnic backgrounds, yet whenever I've tuned it to a house of commons debate, it's like watching the whitest Dad's Army episode of all time, only harder to follow and infinitely more tragically unintentionally amusing. If any other industry was as partisanly colour coded, questions would be asked. The world of golf only accepted Tiger Woods because he's the whitest black man in America, other than Barack Obama of course. My advice to any aspiring black politician, be as white as possible and you'll go far.

I've gone off track again, sorry, I'm having trouble keeping my thought train on the right track this morning....where was I? Nikita and gayness. So, when a gay artist records a song about a relationship, it's generally about a woman or has a heterosexual theme. Why don't gay people write songs and single the person in question out as a man? Is it because record companies don't think society is ready for same-sex love songs? Would they not sell as well? Are they not commercially viable? If 'Nikita' was called 'Boris', would my parents have even bought it for me in the first place? It would have been the talk of the town and the Daily Express would have had a field day reporting about impressionable 5 year old boys being bought homoerotic music for christmas. I chose Boris because in my head, it's the archetypal male Russian christian name. It might not be statistically the most common name in Russia, but I can't quite get Boris "The Sneaky fucking Russian" from 'Snatch' out of my head. Aka, 'Boris the blade', aka, 'Boris the bullet dodger'. If you've not seen it, the acting is awful but if you like a bit of cheap sarcasm, look no further. 

Come to think of it, why is a first name 'a christian name'? I'm guessing it comes from when you're christened. Yep, I'm pretty sure I just worked something out without the help of Google for the first time since the inception of Google....I'm exhausted now.....on a day of rest, this simply won't do.....from unemployed to blogoholic in a matter of weeks, although I was born unemployed so technically my current crescendo of glory has been 35 years in the making. It's a story destined for the silver screen.....or perhaps a song could be written about it, bringing my rags to riches fable to the attention of impressionable children all over the world. I'm going to call it "Don't buy songs written by deluded, damaged and confused adults for innocent children". Catchy! I'll be donating at least 1% of the profits to charity, before you all label me a sell-out. I'm literally shaping the lives of an entire generation with these blogs. 

I think I need to go back to bed and think about what I've done.


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