Monday, 2 February 2015

Just The Job.

Well, I finally managed to fool somebody into thinking I could be competent enough to do stuff for them in return for some of that money stuff. Personally, I'm putting it down to my tie. During my unemployment, I've only been on 2 interviews, TWO, in TEN months! My CV was obviously written by Fisher Price, awww, Nick's First Curriculum Vitae, how sweet. Yes, it took me to my third attempt to finally buy a tie, which I only got because I had TK Maxx vouchers for christmas and they literally had nothing else I wanted. My kids argued over which one of them picked it out, I'm loathed to pick a winner so let's just call it a tie. Ha ha ha ha's impossible to laugh sarcastically in text. That's what I was doing, ok?

I'd get that green spot seen to if I were you.
So there was me, making the excuses that ties for just old school and merely superficial, that they'd see through that and choose me based on my skills and infinite promise. How stupid was I? I needed the tie. I might as well have walked into my first interview with Barclays with my knob hanging out of my trousers and said, "see that? That's how seriously I'm taking this opportunity". Or at the very least, peeled an orange during the interview and fashioned the old pithy cock and balls shape that takes years to master and is particularly challenging if said orange isn't quite ready to be peeled.

Yep, I'm now convinced that if you walk into a job interview without a tie on, everything you say just turns into white noise. To them, you're just a fuzzy human silhouette talking muffled gibberish like that poor soul from the Black Mirror christmas special. Even if you swagger in and talk the talk like Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, you've got no chance. This is quite a discovery actually, knowing they couldn't see or hear me has dulled the embarrassment of admitting (out loud), in the middle of answering a question that I was going to have to stop as I was "having a nightmare". I'm not sure if even the tie would have saved me after that one.

Anyway, whoopdedoo, I have a job like the rest of you. The lesson here being, only get your privates out during a job interview if you're wearing a tie.

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