Saturday, 28 February 2015

Digging Yet Another Hole.

Right! That's it! The gloves are of! Not literally, of course.....if I was talking literally, I'd have said, the watch is off! But since the cliche of embarkment isn't yet solidified enough with my own relevance, I'll stick to the universally known "gloves" bollocks. For the record, I take my watch off when I write.....because it feels more comfortable......and because it feels like I'm telling myself that the "gloves are off".

It's with great regret that I should embark upon this rant on not only my favourite day, but because of an interest of one of my favourite people. Said gimp, has inspired me to write.....and with it, not only enriched my life, but the lives of all my faithful readers. I hope the sarcasm is coming across....I'd really hate it if you thought I rated myself.........I do though........in my own head, I'm up there with 'Mills & Boon'......as in Danny Mills, ex-footballer circa Charlton Athletic and....erm, 'Boon', that fat guy who later played a sweaty paedo in Eastenders......not that using the term "paedo" identifies anyone as easily anymore, it's almost as common as 'Jones' in a welsh phonebook.

Now, whilst most of you are busy trawling your memories for the term "phonebook", I'm identifying what it is I'm actually trying to achieve in this blog. Is it to nullify and destroy the life's work of one of the most successful British female writers the world has ever seen?.....yes, it is. That was easy enough. As it turns out, I'm not as deep as I'd given myself credit for.

Anyway, I know I'm on a hiding to nothing here. I'm about to slag off something that I have very little knowledge about.....it's not stopped me before, and nor should it this time around either. No, I'm not about to pontificate the dogma of the existence of sexual equality.....to be honest, I caught myself doubting my own chauvanism earlier and it completely threw me. This was perhaps the after effects of legging it from a date last week......if there's a god, I'm really very, very sorry and it shall never happen again.....although, the bright shining light of the fire exit did feel like a signal from god at the time.....it was almost as if his holiness was telling me to "get the fucketh out of there"! I took your advice, Godman. As for the subsequent alibi's citing panic attacks and pub feuds, I can only apologise.

Moving on! So, a Facebook friend of mine, let's call her, Ella......because that's her name.....was in tears after visiting the Harry Potter studio's. How could I possibly judge? How? Oh, but I have.....and I am! The thing is, it's not only people like Ella that I think harshly of when allowing a tearful emotion to gush forth. My daughter seems to have inherited her mums party trick of being able to shed a waterfall of melancholy-dampness at the doorstep of even the most trivial setbacks.

Do I have the capacity to feel empathy? Yes. I do......for moments that actually warrant it. Unfortunately, this gift doesn't stretch so far to feel the emotion of a geek, going through the rigmarole of the emotional rollercoaster that is, the Harry Potter bollocks-athon. I feel bad now, this feels like a personal attack on a friend.......but I think it all stems back to a time when it all kicked off. The hype, the books, the children.....reading the books.......the adults.....reading books written for children. Yes, the entire Harry Potter phenomenon completely sent me into a state of flumox. I watched the first one, as did the entirity of the worlds population......but I just phased out at the first hurdle whilst the majority of people (mostly female, for some odd reason), insisted on helping it become perhaps the biggest movie franchise ever.

So what's happened here? Is it really that good? Is this sense of euphoric attachment just another symptomatic sign of the British becoming Americanized.....albeit by a British movie franchise? I really don't know. The closest I can allow myself into this realm of hysteria is my love for 'Star Wars'. I really do love Star Wars. I loved the films, the soundtrack, the actors, the sticker book, the figures and all the merchandise, even the 20th Century Fox intro seems synonymous with that film ......for me, it's unsurpassed as a franchise....even by Harry Potter and his merry child-men people. But it seems a that the current generation aren't as happily willing to separate fiction from the studio.

I watched Star Wars recently and was quite taken aback at how easily I was able to spot CGI errors within the film. They were almost as obvious as seeing the strings in Thunderbirds......I'd just never spotted them before. I was able to cope with the disappointment though.....I felt fortunate that I'd not been led down the same path as these poor Potterites. These little pre-pubescent fans had not only just freshly been released from a scrotum, but had also not been subjected to piss-poor, prop-based special-fx from programmes such as 'Land of the Giants' or 'Voyage to the bottom of the Sea', like I had. I mean, when I was a kid, the vision of the future was a robot that was so advanced, he could say "biddy biddy biddy" faster than any human could......even before we'd even thought of how saying it could make our lives so much easier.......so whilst I'm being critical, I can understand the fanfair.

Aside from the not-so-obvious sarcasm that even 'Terminator' would be able to recognise (why is it that robots who are far too advanced for us to fight back against, haven't been programmed to understand humour, sarcasm or irony? It's almost like they're americanized themselves.....take heed my European friends), I'd just like to say to the spazmatraz's who obsess over Harry Potter to the point they seem to forget their lives are just as tragic as it is the franchise is over..................IT WAS A FILM!!!  If I'd gone on a Star Wars studio tour, even now, I'd be excited.......but crying? I really think I've missed that 'unnecessary tear-duct boat'.....praising my dead-inside core right now.

Honorary "in-advance" apologies go to Ella and anyone offended by the word "spazmatraz". I've been using it since the 1980's......I've almost given up on sugar but the "spaz" trend is infinitely harder to buck.

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