Saturday, 3 January 2015

P-p-p-p-p pick up a prescription.

I'm back. It's a new year......and a new me! Actually, I am feeling rather positive about the coming year, oddly. I say oddly, because I haven't set foot in a workplace for 9 months and the job centre are hell-bent on making me feel a complete nobody. I actually got called an "anomaly" on my last visit because of my ineptitude when it came to job hunting. Thanks! Actually, I kind of took it as a compliment, I think he meant that only crackheads and complete dossers usually go this long, no, there wasn't a compliment there at all was there. I wish that place would be more jovial - mind you - you'd probably have more fun working at a funeral home. These people are meant to be helping people get back on their feet, yet it seems they're only concerned with dragging themselves through the remainder of their shift. If that's what being employed looks like, you can keep it.

Why don't they do a West End show about being on the dole.....liven it up a bit? Who wouldn't prefer to watch a version of Glee starring people who resemble Rab C Nesbitt or Jim Royle? There's such a stigma attached to it because of programmes like Benefits Street.....people may actually find it easier to find work if there wasn't so much dread and surrounding the whole issue. You need energy and confidence to go and get what you want, the jobcentre is the antithesis of the very notion. It breeds self-loathing.....I can rise above it on the whole but even I'm starting to waver. Anyway, what do I know, I'm just a bloody number, sorry, I mean customer. For the record, I am looking for work! It's a touchy subject, as close as you can get to taboo but with it, having the opposite effect......with people seemingly unable to stop themselves reminding you of it.

Anyway, it's Saturday today. A day when even the unemployed can allow themselves to feel part of society again.....and I'm standing in the pharmacy. Well, I'm actually at home, retyping the notes I wrote whilst standing in the pharmacy. A little insight into a bloggers world for you there, enthrallingly romantic isn't it? The pharmacy trip is for my mum....I use it as an excuse to escape the kids for 20 minutes, it was a trip much needed today. They've killed me this Christmas, killed me, the adorable little bastards! 

So, I'm standing there, waiting to stumble over my words again, struggling to say the word 'prescription' and looking a complete incoherent dick in the process, the joy never wears thin. It's ridiculous. You may have seen an earlier blog of mine going over the painstaking process for me that is, talking? Well it's pretty much under control, but still, the remnants of the problem persist, especially when I'm tired. On my way there, rather than just recite the word to myself just to remind myself I can actually do it, I wondered if it may be possible to regress this particular part of the brain to such an extent, that you're able to forget that you had the problem, like when you reset your PC to a particular date. I suppose this would be self-hypnosis, but having already tried a hypnotherapist, I'm convinced it's just placebo and therefore you're just continually telling yourself to do something. It just got boring and eventually I just stopped listening to myself.

I wish you could reset yourself though, like how you might reset a faulty iPod; through that minute hole where only a pin will get through to the magic button. Maybe we do have that? Maybe it's somewhere through our bumholes and that's why it's so difficult to get anything up there. Perhaps if we were to all penetrate ourselves simultaneously, we would alter and reset everything, resulting in the eradication of world poverty due to the neutralisation of the class system, allowing us a blank canvas to strategise a new society structure that's fair to all? Right, on 3........everyone ready?! 

I've digressed slightly. It all got me thinking how different the world has become in terms of communication, especially in instances where you meet people for the first time via the internet. When you meet someone on a dating site, are you supposed to pre-warn someone that you have a speech impediment that may crop up at any given moment?!  I think online dating sites should have an 'Imperfection section' where you have to list all the things about you that society may deem awkward or unattractive; such as eating with your mouth open or using annoying words like "amazeballs" in an american accent on an all-too-regular basis. By society, I mean me, obviously. 

This section would be legally binding too.....lots of people seem to be doing a lot of lying these days. During my all too lengthy dating sentence, I've not once come across anyone who's admitted to taking drugs (on their profile), not even socially. Given the amount of people that powder their noses in the pub toilet these days, somebody is telling porkies....unless it's always been code for that and I'm extremely gullible. Are you trying to tell me that only people who are in relationships take drugs??? Actually, that sounds about right. As soon as I'm back working, with a girl on my case....I mean, arm....I'll be ordering some crack quick-sharp, to help ease the pain. I'm actually happier unemployed than I was working at the Royal Mail.....jesus.

On the subject of online communication, Whatsapp has become 95% of my daily "human" contact.....most of which is filth, thanks to the know who you are. Ehy do people on television shows/soaps/dramas etc, hardly ever just stand there using their phone....for hours? The world of film, especially, seems to have completely ignored the fact that these pesky little screens have been devouring our attention spans and frying our brain-cells since 1998. There must be something in that argument, my concentration and memory is awful these days, although surely it's impossible to quantify how much this is as a result of my 20's lifestyle....I mean my 20's, not the 1920's, I'm not that old.

Some people have asked why I do this.....the blogging? Well, firstly, I've always enjoyed writing....since I can remember. Secondly, it gives me a freedom of expression I don't think I will ever have with my atrocious speech. There are very few people who make me feel comfortable enough to speak freely and confidently. I do wonder though if my writing does me a disservice when I actually meet someone though. Do people expect a certain type of personality and are then disappointed when you're not as free-flowing in person? Maybe I should stammer in writing too, it'd be b-b-bloody exhaust-t-t-ting th-th-th-th-th-th-th-though, finally! Sod that, it's harder work than stammering in real life. Maybe there's an app for it?

So, in short, if you're thinking of asking me to grab your prescription for you, unless you're my mum, think again!

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