Thursday, 29 January 2015

Alternative Retirement Plans.

Due to the galling and depressing news that the government are to slash even further, funds from the budget that go towards helping the elderly, I've been thinking how I can devise my own pension plan. Unemployment and high rent costs have limited my pension contributions these last few years, it all seems so far away anyway, why bother eh? Well, given how quickly the years seem to be flailing past since I had my first kid (nearly 6 years ago now), I think I need to alter my mindset.


Yes, I will get a job and yes, I will start putting money away again, but is it going to be enough? Given that alot more money seems to be spent, pound for pound, on prison inmates than pensioners, there's only one thing for it. On the day I'm eligible for retirement, I'm going to do a bit of bank robbing. Scarily enough, as I type this bullshit, Phil Collins' track for Buster, a film about the Great Train Robbery came on, that's it, IT'S ON!!! I'm not worried about declaring it on here either, it's about 30 years away and Minority Report hasn't been invented yet.......he says, before Tom Cruise comes smashing through my bay-window on a jet-pac.

The way I see it, if I get away with it, I'll live out by days in Tenby, nobody will find me there, it's a gangsters paradise down there. If \I get caught, I get to spend my remaining years in a comfy prison cell at His Majesty's pleasure (William will have been made King by then and the human rights standards will have gone through the roof again), happy days! My kids will probably hardly ever visit me anyway, so that won't be an issue. Hot meals, Playstations (I'll still be a gamer in my 60's), Sky Sports....what more could I possibly need at that age? If I need a Werther's Original, I'm sure I can get Red to smuggle some in for me, they're pretty low risk so they'll be cheap. I might scrap the Tenby plan and just go straight to my cell. If I get lonely, I'll just act all depressed, order in some rope and I'll get put on suicide watch. 

It's all a no-brainer really. With the average life-expectancy to carry on rising, I fully expect swathes of copy-cat robberies and general crimes to take place. This cut in funding is going to produce the most violent generation of OAP's on the planet. It'll split the incontinence crew in two. I can picture the scene, of a brave hooded yooooouth running down the street to stop a gang of ruthless old codgers from robbing a high street jewellers. A national curfew will be introduced to curb the trend and stop the old dribblers running amok, trashing shops, loitering outside charity shops and looting 'Clarks' for the latest, trendiest wide fitting slippers. It'll be reminiscent of the 2011 UK riots, just with an air of urine and meals on wheels.

If my masterplan proves to be an elusive pipe-dream, as has every other positive idea I've had, I might turn to Minecraft.....stay with me. I was listening to Jeremy 'Jez' Vine this afternoon. The discussion was regarding screens, you know, these bloody screens that are slowly destroying the very fabric of life. Too many screens, too much time looking....at screens, out kids will ve the first generation not to even question them, they won't have known anything different, so it's up to us to stop them, you know along with all the other bloody things we do for them. How about we just stop buying the pissing things, problem solved. This very blog is coming at you from one of them, I'm being forced to use one in order to produce it, I tried with my eyes closed as a kind of protest, it probably would have made more sense if I had continued that way, mind you.

So anyway, this petrified mum comes on and starts confessing her sins to brother Jez, that her 6 year old son is obsessed with Minecraft. After a lengthy spell of Minecrafting douche-baggery, he comes across like he's living in a fantasy land. Really?!!  What symptoms does he show exactly? Does he morph into a blocky pixelated little boy, a la Dire Straits' state of the art lumbering removal men from the video for 'Money for Nothing'? Do his eyes go square and pixelated like a crime-victim under witness protection whilst on the telly? Does he speak in blocky speech bubbles (I think I'd prefer that)? I'd be more worried if my little boy came down wearing a Isis fancy dress costume denouncing the West and it's "democracy", if I'm being honest. There's always someone worse off than you, afterall. Remember how the IRA ruined the balaclava market? Isis are going to do that for black clothing. No more slimming outfits anymore, thanks Isis, ruining our way of life in ways we couldn't have even imagined. 

So, that's plan B then. I'm gonna play Minecraft so much that it becomes reality, then I can rent out my spare 15 bedrooms of my pixelated mansion to strippers. This is way better than my prison plan, from now on, this is Plan A. When the Olympics comes to town, I'll rent the whole place out for ten times the usual extortionate price, that's how we do it these days isn't it? Gimme a break, I'm a pensioner. In case you're wondering how the Olympics will be held in a non-fictional, world of blocks.....it'll be in the form of Daley Thompsons Decathlon on the Spectrum 48k. 

If you've been paying into a pension for years, commiserations.....at least you got a free fountain pen, eh?!







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