Thursday, 11 December 2014

Christmas play just a leg-up to stardom.

When my daughter took to the stage this morning, to play the starring role in the Sleepy Shepherd, it was such a proud moment. It was the moment I realised I wouldn't need a pension, SHE is going to be my pension.....fuck christmas, this is where the the big bucks come in!

To be honest, whilst it may sound glamorous being the father of a child prodigy, I didn't receive any special treatment whatsoever. As sickening as it sounds, I had to queue up with the rest of the parents. Me! Father of the star of the blimmin' show.....QUEUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! To add insult to injury, I had to BUY myself a programme, with my daughters name in the credits as the lead role, it really is scandalous. A POUND for an A4 sheet of paper, at least they used the colour cartridge this year, made it a real bargain in hindsight. I'm actually thinking of making my own, renaming it 'The Sleepy Shepherdess' (or should it be Shepherd person, by todays equality standards?)......"starring Lolo, in her first lead appearance, featuring her equally talented brother......and some other children". It'll be getting the lamination treatment.

When I attend 2019's Academy Awards, after her groundbreaking performance and nomination for Best Newcomer in Home Alone 7 (they're bound to cast a girl at some stage), I expect a freebie bag containing a Cartier watch and a diamond encrusted shower cap......not left wanting for a mince pie and a nip of whiskey....nope, with her fame, will come the rewards. I will not be denied! The provider of the seed should never be a man in need.

I should mention my son's performance too, lest we forget the King who gave Gold.....everyone knows what gold is. As for the other crappy gifts.....do you ever hear anyone say they're popping to the shop to buy some Frankincense or Myrrh? No, you don't! So it's clear to see that both my children had the most important and relevant roles in this production extravaganza. He delivered his line with aplomb, although I could see a smidgen of aching envy every time his sister got a giggle whilst delivering one of hers. He's destined to become the modern day Eric Roberts, forever in the shadow of his more illustrious sibling's shadow, banging out an endless stream of 'straight to download' movies whilst the diva parades herself on yet another Hollywood red carpet.

The most startling thing for me, aside from their most glaringly blatant world shattering natural talent, was how they carried themselves. For a moment.....and it was only a moment, Lolo looked upon the other supporting performers (not that she needed supporting, it would have been equally as magical if she'd performed solo, such was her biblical stage presence), as equals....not as makeweights and stage fillers. It brought a tear to my eye.

Nevertheless, whatever the world and the movie industry makes of them, I'm equally as proud of both my little starlets. May I live through their lives vicariously and constantly drone on about their achievements, however trivial, ignoring the bored expressions and rolling of eyeballs of everyone forced to listen.

I would however, like to remind everyone out there, that not all children can be as talented. Such gifts are very seldomly handed out. It's merely a result of pure luck and superior parental skills. So whatever path awaits your little average bundle of joy, just be thankful, 'tis the season to be so, afterall.

Happy christmas everyone.....KER-CHING!!!!!!!

*The names of my children shall remain private for now. It's important to me that they keep their feet firmly on the ground. Please respect our privacy, we're only human, just a little bit better than the rest of you.

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