Sunday, 14 December 2014

In other news......getting shorty.

Actually, I am getting shorter. I swear I used to be pushing 6 foot....I recently measured myself in a doctors surgery (act of boredom, obviously) and I was only 5'10". I've also recently started wearing size 9.5 having previously worn size 10 shoes for the previous however many, peak shoe size years....interesting, eh? Can it be labelled a digression even if you only digressed on your original point before beginning to make it?

Faux digression aside, I want to talk about the ridiculous events of last week where someone managed to sue a national institution for simply being too little to pay, that's a blessing, if anything. I'd love to be able to waive the obligation to chip and pin simply because I couldn't reach and had an moral aversion to standing on a cardboard box.

Ok, I'm stretching it there, no pun intended, I'm sure dwarves never take advantage of their disadvantage as a shop lifting tool. Anyway, she won't be struggling to pay for her christmas shopping this year. I'm pretty sure she could make a good living going around finding activities she's too short to perform and making mincemeat of them whilst laughing all the way to the bank. It's a bit rich really, I've just been watching Sports Personality of the Year and the programme is teeming with tales of talented disadvantaged athletes. Inspirational figures, playing basketball in wheelchairs, armless Javelin throwers using only their teeth, people with no legs running the 100m.....some even get away with murder. This girls superpower was clearly being able to act (guess her profession) her way into the Royal Mail cheque book, no mean feat, I salute you.

Is having to hop up and down five times to enter a code really cause for feeling demeaned and humiliated? I think she's just taking advantage.....we've all done it though. I play dumb every time I do something wrong at work, that way you avoid being labelled incompetent. The problem is that every time you do it, you burn a bridge that could potentially be used to lead back to a position of authority, where people might take you seriously once more. It's a constant balancing act and I've failed miserably! I hope she takes heed of my advice before her next claim. Be prepared to lie in the bed you make for yourself.

The ironic part, for me, was that her issue was with the Royal Mail (or Post Office to be precise). I worked for that place for a decade and I got made to feel small on an almost daily basis (the puns keep on coming), did I receive a penny or even make a claim, no? I just sucked it up, indeed, my tumour is probably bigger than her now as a result. I should really voice my opinions more and immerse myself in this blame to claim culture. I think it's time dwarves grew up......

In other news, Nigel Farrage was being forced to publicly apologise for his comments on public breast feeding. Firstly, does anyone actually accept a forced apology or take indeed them seriously? He obviously meant it and still believes in what he says, it's nonsense. Secondly, was what he said, wrong? Yes, breast feeding is natural and necessary, but so is having a dump.

Farrage said that there should be designated rooms that they should go to, which had the human rights and feminist brigades predictably up in arms. The thing is, it would probably be a nice place to be, a serene and fresh smelling room, unlike the type of rooms I'm forced to defecate in by the human waste nazi's, you don't see me moaning about it, do you? Not until now anyway.

Probably a good job they don't introduce breast feeding rooms, or else you'd just find me in there, gatecrashing, ostentatiously shitting in a plant pot, enjoying the ambience that you breast feeders are too good for.


Go on, tell me what you think.

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