Sunday, 14 December 2014

I'm not a personality, get me out of here!!!

Or at least that was the heart-felt screaming coming from the eyes from each person who was charged with saying a few words on that stage, in front of an overwhelmingly large audience. I'd use the term "rabbit in headlights" but at least the bunny stands a chance. Gymnast, Claudia Fragapane, was a prime example, stumbling through her words and blatantly, painfully, shitting herself. I fully expected her to triple somersault out of the nearest exit. They were saved somewhat due to the fact that most of the audience didn't really seem to be paying much attention.

Talking of paying, did the athletes in attendance actually pay to attend? Tickets for the general public sold at face value between £40 and £65. The venue would therefore stand to make less than 600k from ticket sales. See now, if I was a multi-millionaire sportsman, I'd pay for those minions to attend, it's the least they could do, isn't it? Without the general public and their unwavering adoration, there'd be no interest from sponsors and therefore, no prize money. Maybe I'm getting over-sentimental with christmas approaching, or maybe I'm just falling out of love with sport.....I suspect a bit of both.

Anyway, back to the 'cringe awards', where I felt even more worried for British Para-Alpine (are disabled Paratroopers called Para-Paratroopers?) skiing person Charlotte Evans. Aside from being whiter than snow itself, she uncannily resembled Sissy Spacek in Carrie. As she stepped up to burble on about what a great year it had been, I fully expected a bucket of pig's blood to plummet over her prom dress.....she could have done with the vitamins anyway. I began to fantasise that if there was ever to be a party consumed in flames, it'd be this one.

If I'm being fussy, I'd prefer it to be a year where Nicole Scherzinger is in attendance and not pre-occupied with her "craaaaazy" West End show. Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of  Lewis Hamilton, but I wish he'd just shut up about his relationship with her, NOBODY CARES!  It's bad enough we have to endure her Mullerlicious yoghurt performances and orgasmic shower scenes. Cue to the budget-busting homage video to Hamilton's season, which resembled a superficial, art-tastic, Eau De Toilette advertisement. It suited him down to the ground and gave him full license to display the drama skills he's clearly picked up from his missus. The attempt by Gary Lineker to get Lewis to say something negative about Nico Rosberg, was childish at best and borderline churlish. Rosberg, despite some questionable tactics last season, came across a thoroughly likeable guy and handled the rivalry impeccably well, despite the media's desperate attempts to turn it into an all-out feud.

Talking of lamentable twonks. Is Carl Froch becoming the most unedifying british athlete going? At least when Prince Naseem Hamed did the cocky thing, it always felt tongue in cheek, such was the absurdity of it all. Much of my annoyance about Froch is that his most notable achievement this year was beating someone he kept telling us all was out of his depth. Don't boxers realise that this then negates some of the glory they try to claim once they've beaten said chump?!

Someone who could use a lesson in mastering the art of being on camera, ala Lewis, is Rory McIlroy. Not since John Barnes' ill-fated television presenting stint, have I seen someone struggle so much talking into a camera. You'd think he'd have shied away after his hard-to-watch Santander adverts, where he ungainly flirts with a stalker before looking at the camera, as if to ask us "what the fuck am I doing?". Rory, please just stick to golf, it's not like you need the money mate.

On a side note, why do all the lesser known athletes such as the paralympians have to come wearing their work overalls? It's their big night out, presumably with a free bar and they're forced to dress like Harry Enfield's creation "The Scousers". Why not make all the celebs wear the outfits they become famous wearing? I'm pretty sure Gary Lineker would still fit into his Holsten Pils sponsored Tottenham Hotspur kit, or maybe his Italia 90 England kit, providing he washed the shit out of his shorts. I struggle to take anyone who takes a dump on the worlds biggest stage seriously. From the onset, it became obvious that Gary was struggling with his voice. I was hoping it would completely go so we could watch him use Twitter to get him through the rest of the show, would anyone have actually minded? Seriously though, who wouldn't love to see Daley Thomson turn up with his short shorts and a javelin......McEnroe, short shorts and a headband........why am I wanting everyone to turn up in short shorts......Dennis Taylor, with those massive upside down bins and short shorts.....hang on.

Passing, albeit, notable mentions, go to Eddie Izzard looking like a camp low budget James Bond villain with a random athlete bitch on his arm. Must be weird being asked to link arms with someone you've never met before before going on national television. The predictable, pre-requisential nod to David bloody Beckham, because it wouldn't be an occasion without seeing him, somewhere, anywhere, doing anything. Tom Daley for doing us all a favour and turning up in public, fully dressed, for the first time since 2012.....I bet he was still wearing his toddler-size Speedo's underneath the suit, mind, ready to mince into action at the after show party.

It's unfortunate that I've found so much inspiration for cynicism from this programme. It used to be something I looked forward to. Back when Des Lynham fronted it, it seemed more charming, less rehearsed, less contrived. As I type, Chris Hoy (a genuine sporting great might I add), receives his lifetime achievement Glasgow. It just feels like another example of a previously grand sporting occasion being cheapened by becoming a mere template. It's just how things are done nowadays, yet nobody seems to notice, or care. We just lap it up.

Hamilton. Tears. Joy. Mullerlicious. Craaazy. Cats. Couldn't have done it without some people.....or the best car. Done.

For the record, I didn't vote. To quote Russell Brand, "give us something worth voting for".

See you all next year!

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