Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Chauvinistic state of mind.

It's been a few days since my last entry.....but alas, it took a difference of opinion to get my blogging juices flowing once more. Nothing like a bit of opposing gender warring to remind me that my creativity is inspired predominantly from intolerance. It's a shame I've become so balanced in my outlook in my old age really as I'm pretty sure it must be having a detrimental effect on my productivity. Acute laziness may also be a contributory factor but lets not dwell on anything I may have an influence on, it's counter productive.

Christ, I can blab on about nothing can't I? Anything a woman can do, I can do just as well. That's what living with one for 14 years does to you. Why is it always that way? You only ever tend to hear men say to another man, "you're turning into a woman". You never hear it the other way around, well I've not anyway. Does this mean that men are the weaker sex? Does it mean that we're more likely to just plod along and be submissive in our ultimate quest for a "quiet life". If you want a quiet life, stay single, that's my advice. Says the man who's been searching valiantly for his "main squeeze" online for as long as I can painstakingly care to remember? Why?!

Anyway, I'm not ready for "Online Dating Blog, part deux" (although it's very much a work in progress).....I'm merely tapping away at this keyboard tonight to suggest a way forward. A way we can all finally be happy. Let's finally end the charade, the ugly stand-off.

Look, it's clear that men and women hate each other. You know it, I know it, but we can't keep the human race going without each other. We know all this. What we also know, is that to prolong the human race and keep this hate game going for many more agonising moons, we have to find a new planet. A new home that can house us and all the beautiful hatred that we have for one another.....blimey, when you put it like that, why bother?! Sorry, I just realised I'm writing this and not reading someone elses opinions.

The question is, why aren't we looking for a new planet, EACH? One planet where all the toilet seats are allowed to remain up, without reprimand.....and another where you women can all remain unaccountable for anything, just the way you like it!  Let's go back to our roots, except our mother (or father) planets won't be Venus and Mars. They'll be called "Planet Fuck It" and "Planet Fuck You"....perfect symmetry. "Fuck It" will be for the men, obviously. We've not even set foot there, yet I already feel strangely at home. There could be a dating/mating moon in between....sponsored by Plenty of Fish. There, we could indulge ourselves in necessary intimate fumbling about that, let's face it, is the only reason we actually put up with each other in between drinking sessions.

This is all just self-preservation of course. I'm convinced that women have a hidden agenda, like cats......the race for universal domination is between women...and cats. Women scientists around the globe could be working their lunch hours, or multitasking during work time (since you're so bloody good at it, although a singular effort to parallel park anywhere near the pavement is seemingly out of the question) to create a male substitute. Why are there so many sperm banks? Why were women so eager to get the vote when all the parties we have to vote for are sexist bigoted ugly old farts? One can only assume there's a pesky 'feminist party' on their way.....and when it's here, the only legislation will be the extermination of us blighted men folk. They'll have their queen to give birth on behalf of all women, probably Kim Kardashian, nestling the future of humanity in her massive arse. You thought they were bum implants didn't you? No, it's full of lesbian babies and Germaine Greer clones. As for the cats, they're lagging behind due to lack of opposable thumbs.....however, superior levels of common sense are keeping them in the game.

Now, it's clear for all to see, that men have evolved into the superior sex. We've gone from being predominantly alpha males, who threw three arrows at a dartboard, on live TV, wearing only grey attire, dead set on a speedboat acquiring odyssey....only stopping briefly for a sip of stout and a fist fight....into metro-sexually, back sack and cracked, modern men. Hermaphroditedly-minded souls.....ready to change nappies at the click of an irritable, intolerable battleaxes finger....all within the space of a couple measly decades. We dedicated ourselves to making you miserable lot happy, did it work? Did it bollocks!

I almost want women to win the race, just to see the look on their faces when they realise how rubbish their new sitcoms are without Joey and Chandler et al. So, here I am.....a man, of sorts.....calling for us to unify and settle our differences. I mean, people talk about terrorism and racial tension etc.....why does nobody ever focus on why nearly the entire population of the world are split, at war on a daily basis. I'm more than ready to offer a conciliatory hand to you bloody women, so long as you call off this quite frankly ridiculous notion of "sexual equality", it reeks of delusions of grandeur of the highest order.

If you choose not to accept my heartfelt plea, I wish you luck.....maybe you'll take pity on us and give us a stay of execution. A charity induced 'Plan B' where you clone us all into tattoo laden Ryan Gosling lookalikes with a penchant for reality TV and massage expertise. Just be careful what you wish for though.........women.......cats........future rulers of the galaxy. One day you may rue the day you poured scorn on us innocent sperm donors for the silliest of misdemeanours and childish indiscretions. The male of the species were less deadly for a reason, we were the voice of reason......the mass infidelity was merely a cry for help.

Maybe we're not so different anyway. I have noticed that the things that women moan about in men most frequently are evident in their own behaviour. Maybe, somewhere along the line, we manufactured this notion that we're inherently different and opposite just to make life more interesting? Who knows? In the meantime, don't come running to Nick Lo Turco when you're in need of a hero. He's busy regrowing his penis.

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