Monday, 24 November 2014

Progress outgrowing human evolution, special report.

I'm sure you'll all join me this morning in being shocked and appalled by the events at the Emirates yesterday afternoon. A glass of wine......being drunk at a football match, is indeed a cardinal sin. I think the act of throwing said vino was far more in keeping with how a football terrace should behave.

The club have begun the investigation and have said they will ban whoever it was that soaked the Manchester United bench with the loud mouth soup. If I owned a football club I'd be banning the catering company in charge of dispensing the refreshments. It says alot about the demographic football fans in the upper echelons of the game that this is going on, even the seats at Arsenal are the size of an armchair. How are you supposed to generate a decent atmosphere if you're too comfortable and sipping on Pinot Grigio Blush.

Even when there is a food fight at the Emirates, it's a pizza......and before you tell me that pizza is far from high end cuisine, I've been informed on very good authority that it was a Pizza Express Sloppy Giuseppe that hit Alex Ferguson....doesn't get more glitzy than that my friends. I don't recall Arsenal banning Cesc Fabregas for his pizza lobbing? Do they take the act of wasting wine more seriously than misuse of a pizza? Or could this be that football players are allowed to do whatever they want? No surprises there really. For the record, if I ever owned a football club, whoever managed to hit Fergie with some grub would immediately gain an honorary lifetime club captain award for his efforts.

I am confused though. Fans sound as moronic and working class as they ever have done, yet they're drinking plonk at a football match, in broad daylight. If I was out with the "boys" and ordered a glass of wine, I'd be vilified. Maybe I should be championing this movement, maybe this is progress. Although maybe the fact that someone couldn't handle their wine just shows that someone who usually drinks cheap and weak lager isn't ready for a grown up drink. Like in Guy Ritchie's sarcasm fuelled Gangster movie 'Snatch', when Tommy informs 'Turkish' that he shouldn't be drinking milk as it's not in sync with evolution. I think football fans need to be informed of this, I'm surprised they haven't already, with the emphasis on safety we have nowadays, it seems negligent in the extreme.

It's in complete contrast with cricket fans, most notably, the notorious "Barmy Army". Is it me or are fans turning up for the wrong sporting events? Wine and cricket, beer and football......come on guys, let's get things back on track and restore some world order. This is a very strange paradigm we find ourselves within. If we're not careful, the House of Commons will be full of rowdy, crowing, disgraced, free-loading yob-toffs running our country. Shit.

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