Friday, 28 November 2014

Bleak Friday...

A bitterly cold November morning dawns, thousands of people gather for yet more nourishing consumerist madness. They're so pumped, they've forgotten how to form single file, something 4 year olds are taught at Primary School.  Gone is the artform of acting like civilised humans, barging, ready to pounce on any bargain they could get their mitts on, regardless of whether they need it or not.....if they don't, they can just sell it on for a profit.....the spirit of christmas is upon us in all it's Black Friday glory. The doors open, people clamouring and stampeding on children to get the item that will complete their lives. If it's like this during a sale, imagine what it's going to be like trying to buy a pint of semi-skimmed when the apocalypse starts.

This is not how I imagined the future. When futuristic technology was sold to me in Back to the Future 2, it was going to be fun. Nobody told me, that in order to obtain said hi-tech equipment I'd have to stomp on the face of a pensioner to get my hands on some self-lacing Nikes or a Hoverboard.....I probably would though, even that pink girly one, I want it! Sorry about your smashed hip, old Gerald......they might be doing black friday deals on hip replacements at Bupa, get down there quick, be careful though, it's fucking mayhem there too, use your walking stick as a weapon. The thing is, all the crap people are falling over themselves for is stuff we already have, they just want it because it's cheap. 

I saw a picture of people reaching up at a member of staff, arms outstretched with every sinew, desperation etched on their faces.  It reminded me of a scene you might see from a crop-devastated region of Africa, or a war-torn country, where you see impoverished, destitute masses of all ages, begging for rice from the back of a food-aid truck. This really is what it's come to.  


Breakfast News channels licked their lips at broadcasting customary footage of people filming people filming other people who were filming people making complete dicks of themselves. Jeremy Kyle must have been standing in his studio, on his tod, wondering where the hell everyone was. The sanctimonious prick was probably thinking; "my work here is done, I am indeed, the messiah". No, "Jezza", they were all in Tesco fighting over a television big enough to accommodate your gargantuan ego.

Some of the scenes took me back to watching Cloverfield for the first time, I'm thinking of suing BBC for not warning us that the wobbly filming technique might have brought on waves of nausea....although that may have been my breakfast burrito repeating on me, it's far from an open-shut case so maybe I'll hang fire on that accusation. The one distinguishable difference to Cloverfield was that the only monster in this 'feature-film' was the ugly face of greed and consumerism.....none of the people were particularly attractive either, I noticed. Maybe there's a link to aesthetically pleasing people finding it easier to obtain what they want in life, without having to partake in such desperate measures? If you're good looking....and female, feel free to contact me to provide your take on this. Your opinion matters.

So who's to blame for all this, the profit-hungry supermarkets? Apparently, the scenes at Asda's Black Friday extravaganza was the polar opposite, as people calmly picked up what they needed, paid, and left with their trouble-free gotten gains, BORING! So no, it can't be them. You can't even blame the manufacturers, the advertisers....anyone else, really. This 'keeping up with the Jones', 'need to have' culture, has stemmed from all of us. Christmas is supposed to be the time when we recognise what is really important, but it's just become a catalyst to to fuel our need for belongings and getting someone the perfect gift. We've put pressure on ourselves to such a degree that the cycle we find ourselves in is poisonous and a constantly growing.

This kind of behaviour isn't new though, it's just that we're used to seeing these incidents beamed to our television screens from America, usually people having fist fights over a Cabbage Patch Doll during the 80's. It's amusing when you watch in retro graininess and the idiots are american....not so funny in glorious high definition and when the protagonists are people you rub shoulders with on a daily basis. Can we start being British again please, or is it too late for that?

I was going to try and close this with some words of wisdom, in keeping with the true voice of reason, the very reason Jeremy Kyle is on our screens and why chavdom is taking over the UK. Never mind sharia law, IS and terrorism, it's obvious from todays shenanigans who the real threat is. Grow up you fucking idiots.....then take care of yourself...and each other. 


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