Friday, 31 October 2014

It's the Halloween Special.

There seems to be a pattern developing here.  I come across something I can despise enough to write about, I come on here, and write a hate filled page of agitated bollocks, mainly in order to get it off my chest. Talking of my chest, that's been the very reason for my brief spell of inactivity, 3 weeks of phlegm, it's been emotional. So anyway, apologies for all the negativity, but here's some more anyway, it's why you came back though right? Another reason my angst was starting to dry up was my all too brief Facebook sabbatical, which I've temporarily cut short in my search for some much needed inspiration. It's working.

Right! Firstly, what should be the lead up to my favourite time of the year has become a massive shower of attention seeking shit! I'm all for Halloween, it's pointless but the kids seem to enjoy it. Personally, I was never that interested as a kid but maybe that's because I was brought up in pre-americanised Britain. My main memory of Halloween was when my cousin kept scaring me with a glow in the dark mask, I had a brainwave and asked him if I could wear it....if I was wearing it then it wouldn't scare me right? I'd won this battle of wits.....until a shoved it on my face and realised he'd gobbed about a litre of phlegm into the inside. Good times. And people wonder why I'm the way I am.

Far from letting the kids have all the fun, adults have cottoned onto the idea that it's a good excuse to dress up and get smashed. Why are all the womens outfits still relatively flattering? I wonder how many men pull a random and promiscuous Zombie tonight and then wake up to the real horror and realise that she was better looking as a dead person? Awkward. I won't be getting smashed, I'll be taking my kids to a party, dressed a parent accompanying his children, to a party for children and baby-adults.

Next up it's Movember. Now I know it's for charity, but just like the ACL ice-bucket challenge, how many people doing it are actually getting sponsored?  But it raises awareness! Really? How many people are still talking about it? I'm not even sure I chose the right acronym and have completely forgotten what it stood for. Charities are becoming "Fads", attention seeking ones at that. Why do we all have to get bloody noticed for something? Just do good, it feels better when nobody knows you've done it too, honestly, try it! I've noticed overlapping too, people getting a head start, before Movember has even started, that's not on now is it? People are pretending they know it makes them look stupid, even though they secretly think it makes them look good.....oh and would people stop saying having a moustache makes you look like a paedo, having facial hair does not render you with a penchant for sleeping with children, it's just not funny. That said, I was tempted to wear a Jimmy Savile mask to this party, a cheap last minute alternative?

Then it'll be time to celebrate the most romantic of terrorists. Even that's been sanitised to death. Gone are gangs roaming the streets armed with eggs and flour, firing ill gotten fireworks though random letterboxes, bricking the OAP's Bingo bus, those sure were golden times. Guy Fawkes will be turning in his four graves when he realises what a fiasco it's all become, it's not what he would have wanted. What was that film called? The Purge? That was just known as Bonfire night when I was growing up, I was genuinely scared to set foot outside, it was great! ;)

The ongoing and accompanying narrative to all this is a the relatively new traditional build up to christmas, X-Factor and the fantastic Strictly Come Dancing. Is this how it's going to be now? My hazy christmas memories are full of Wham!, Shakin' Stevens and Cliff Richard, who will my kids look back on for their own magical musical christmas moments, yes I said that without a hint of sarcasm. My initial thoughts when Cliff's hard drive had been confiscated by the police was not "those poor innocent children", I was wondering how I'd be able to listen to Mistletoe and Wine again....think about that for a moment. Anyway, it's all died down by the looks of it so let's worry about that another time. Phew. Christmas is safe for another year.

Facebook comes into it's own at this time of year, spewing unnecessary 'sharing' at us with increasing regularity. Your tree. Your centerpiece. Your posh crackers. Your christmas jumper. Your glass of Baileys. Your first mince pie. Your spoilt children. Your singing of 'Feed the Woooooorld' as you throw out a bin liner full of wasted food. I'll see it all! All, the while, I come up with vaguely disguised hateful, snide, sarky remarks, merely trying to redress the balance and hold onto a semblance of sanity. I really do hope my efforts are appreciated, I love it all really. Happy Halloween my pedigree chums!

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